How Do I Talk To Parents About Behavior Concerns?

How do I talk to parents about behavior concerns? Let’s be honest, bringing up behavior concerns with parents is one of those parts of teaching that can feel super awkward. You don’t want to sound like you’re complaining. You don’t want to make anyone feel judged. And you definitely don’t want to open up a conversation that turns into an all-night email chain or a never-ending parent-teacher conference.

But… you also want to be honest. Because behavior is communication. And when we spot patterns in behavior, especially in neurodivergent learners, it’s usually a big ol’ neon sign telling us that something needs support.

So, how do we talk to parents about behavior concerns in a way that’s respectful, clear, supportive, and neuro-affirming?

I’ve got you. Let’s walk through this together… Because it doesn’t have to be scary. In fact, it can be an amazing chance to build trust and collaborate as a team.

Start with curiosity, not criticism

This is my number one tip: go into the conversation with curiosity, not judgment. You’re not “reporting” a problem, you’re opening a discussion about what a student might need.

Instead of saying:
“Liam is constantly hitting his peers.”

Try something like:
“I’ve noticed recently that Liam is hitting his peers during transitions, and I’d love to figure out what’s going on underneath that. Have you noticed anything similar at home?”

This simple shift keeps the focus on understanding, not “fixing.” And it invites parents into the conversation instead of putting them on the defensive.

Remember: Behavior = communication

This is a core part of everything I teach inside Autism Classroom Training. When students engage in what we might label “challenging” behaviors, it’s not because they’re being naughty or difficult, it’s because they’re trying to tell us something.

Maybe they’re overwhelmed.
Maybe they’re under-stimulated.
Maybe they’re trying to avoid something that feels unsafe or confusing.

Framing the behavior as a communication tool helps parents see that we’re not “blaming” their child, we’re working to support them. And honestly, a lot of parents breathe a sigh of relief when they hear this. They’re often trying to decode the same behaviors at home!

Be specific, but not dramatic

Vague concerns can sound judgmental. (“He’s very aggressive.” “She’s always disruptive.”) But overly intense descriptions can be overwhelming too.

Try to be clear and objective:

What does the behavior look like?
When does it happen?
What’s happening right before and after?
What have you already tried?

You might say:

“We’ve noticed that during circle time, that Jasmine will often leave the group and throw her work. It tends to happen when there’s a lot of noise or when we introduce a new activity. We’ve tried using visuals and sensory breaks, but we’re still seeing this pop up. Have you noticed anything like this at home?”

That’s calm, factual, and still invites input.

Make space for their feelings (and yours too)

This part’s important. Some parents may feel upset, embarrassed, or even guilty when they hear about behavior concerns. Others might feel relieved that someone finally sees what they’ve been dealing with.

Give space for those emotions. You can gently say:

“I know these conversations can feel heavy, I’m sharing this because I care and want to support your child the best we can, together.”

And if you’re feeling nervous? That’s okay too. It’s not easy to bring up tough stuff. You’re human. A wonderful, caring, probably-tired teacher human.

Keep it strength-based

Even when the conversation is about behavior, it’s so important to highlight what’s going well. What do you love about this student? What makes them light up? What progress have they made?

Start with strengths, sprinkle them throughout, and end with them too.

For example:

“Amir is so creative and always has the most imaginative ideas during playtime. I’ve noticed that when we give him open-ended materials, his engagement soars. That’s something we want to build on, especially during less structured parts of the day where we’re seeing some challenging behavior.”

It’s not just about softening the message, it’s about showing the whole picture. Because no child is just their behavior.

Collaborate, don’t prescribe

You don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, it’s more powerful if you don’t pretend to. Parents know their child in a way we never will, and combining that with what we see at school can unlock so many helpful insights.

Try saying:

“I’d love to hear what you’ve tried at home, and if there’s anything that’s helped. Maybe we can come up with a consistent strategy together?”

This turns the conversation into teamwork. (And hey, if you want a deeper dive into behavior supports, come join me in Autism Classroom Training, it’s full of strategies you can bring straight to your IEP meetings and family chats.)

Avoid ableist language

Let’s ditch words like “defiant,” “non-compliant,” or “attention-seeking” and reframe them into what the student is needing.

Instead of:
“He’s being manipulative.”

Try:
“He’s using this behavior to try to control his environment, maybe because things feel unpredictable or unsafe.”

Language matters. Neuro-affirming communication builds trust with parents and helps shift the narrative from “what’s wrong with the child?” to “how can we support their needs?”

End with clear next steps

After the conversation, try to summarize what you’ve talked about and what comes next. You might say:

“Thanks so much for talking this through with me. I’ll keep observing and tracking what we discussed, and I’ll follow up with some visuals we can both try using. Feel free to let me know if you notice anything new at home too!”

It shows you’re staying on it, and it invites them to keep being part of the team.

Talking to parents about behavior doesn’t have to feel like walking into a minefield. When we lead with empathy, curiosity, and a focus on collaboration, we can turn these conversations into powerful moments of connection.

It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being present, supportive, and willing to learn with families. And when we do that? Everybody wins, especially our students.

And if you want to build your confidence even more when it comes to understanding behavior and supporting autistic learners, I’d love to have you inside Autism Classroom Training. It’s packed with practical, neuro-affirming strategies you can use every single day.

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