How to Help Students Who Get Stuck in Power Struggles (Without Making It Worse!)

In this blog post today I’m talking all about how to help students who get stuck in power struggles …. without making it worse.

We’ve all been there.

You ask a student to tidy up, move to a new activity, or stop trying to eat the glue stick (why is it always the glue stick?!), and suddenly.. BOOM!!… You’re in a full-on power struggle.

The air gets heavy, you can feel your stress levels rising, and it turns into a battle of wills that neither of you signed up for at 9.30 on a miserable Tuesday.

So, what do we do when students get stuck in these power struggles? Especially our neurodivergent learners who might be struggling with anxiety, need for control, sensory overload, or just… Being four and five years old with opinions the size of a double-decker bus?

Let’s talk about it in a way that’s real, respectful, and doesn’t end with anyone (you included) needing a timeout.

First, What Is a Power Struggle?

Let’s start right at the beginning… What is a power struggle? A power struggle happens when we (often unintentionally) engage in a tug-of-war for control, in this case with our students. It can look like:

A student point blank refusing to do something.
You repeating instructions… Louder… With your “serious teacher voice.”
The student digging their heels in deeper than a dog with a bone.
Everyone getting frustrated, nothing moving forward, and the classroom vibes turning to chaos.

The tricky part? Power struggles aren’t really about being “naughty” or “defiant.” Especially not for our neurodivergent students. They’re often about:

Needing predictability
Wanting autonomy
Struggling with transitions
Feeling overwhelmed or unsafe
Not having the words or tools to explain what’s wrong

And here’s the kicker: when we escalate, even with good intentions, we often make it worse. (Yep, been there too.)

So… what do we do instead?

1. Ditch the “Because I Said So” Energy

Look, I get it. Sometimes you’re 40 minutes into a meltdown, the sensory bin is upside down, someone’s taken their socks off and is shouting about “invisible crocodiles,” and you’re this close to saying “just do it!” in your best gritted-teeth voice.

But if we really want to help, we’ve got to take a breath and step out of the “I’m the boss” mindset. This doesn’t mean you give up your boundaries.. It just means you choose connection over control.

Try saying things like:

“Let’s figure this out together.”
“I can see this is tricky right now.”
“You’re not in trouble. Let’s take a minute.”

You’re not giving in.. You’re giving them space to come back to calm.

2. Remember: Behaviour is Communication

Power struggles are rarely about the thing you think that they are about.

A student refusing to sit on the carpet might actually be:

Anxious about what’s coming next.
Feeling dysregulated from lunch.
Struggling with the sound of the chair legs scraping.
Needing to feel in control after a chaotic morning.

So when you see a student digging in their heels, try asking yourself:

What’s the need behind this behaviour?

The more we shift from “How do I get them to comply and do what I want?” to “What are they trying to tell me?” the easier and better the connection and movement forward.

3. Offer Choices (Even Tiny Ones!)

One of the simplest ways to diffuse a power struggle?

Give a little control back.

I’m not talking about letting them call all the shots. But giving small, contained choices helps your students to feel empowered and reduces the urge for them to resist.

Instead of “Put your coat on now,” try:

“Do you want to put your coat on yourself or have help?”
“Do you want your red coat or your blue one?”
“Shall we put your left arm in first or your right arm?”

These micro choices = mega impact for your students.

4. Avoid the Ultimatum Trap

“Do this or else…” might seem like the quickest route out of a tricky moment, but for many of our neurodivergent students, it’s a fast-track to meltdown city.

Why? Because ultimatums can feel scary, unpredictable, and unsafe. And when our students feel unsafe, they can’t access logic or reasoning. Their nervous system is going into full alarm mode.

Instead, keep your tone warm and neutral. Focus on collaboration and support, not consequences and control.

Instead of: “If you don’t do your work, you’re missing playtime.” Try: “I’m here to help if it feels hard. Let’s see how we can make this easier together.”

5. Let Go of “Winning”

This one’s for us, friends.

Power struggles often trigger our nervous systems too. We might feel challenged, disrespected, or even panicked that the rest of the class is watching it unfold like a reality TV show.

But here’s the truth: it’s not about “winning.”

Sometimes the biggest win is knowing when to pause, walk away, or circle back later.

6. Reconnect First, Redirect Second

If you have a student who is dysregulated, arguing, or spiraling into a power struggle… Logic isn’t going to get you anywhere.

Before you try to explain or correct, take a minute to co-regulate:

Breathe together.
Sit quietly beside them.
Offer a fidget or sensory break.
Use a calm, low voice.

Once your student is calmer, then you can revisit the expectation or problem solve. But trying to “teach the lesson” mid-meltdown? Not gonna happen. Trust me.

7. Model Emotional Regulation

If we want our students to learn how to manage big feelings, we’ve got to show them how we manage ours. That means:

Owning it when we get frustrated.
Talking about our feelings openly: “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, so I’m going to take some deep breaths.”
Showing empathy when they struggle.

We don’t have to be perfect. We just have to be real, safe, and consistent.

Power struggles can feel intense, overwhelming, and frustrating for everyone involved. But they’re also opportunities. Opportunities to build trust, teach regulation, and show our students that we’re on their team.

So the next time you feel the tug-of-war starting, take a breath. You’ve got this. There’s this quote that floats around that I always love.. Your student’s not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.

And you? You’re the safe space that they need. The calm in the storm. The grown-up with the glue stick and the game plan.

I hope you found this “How to Help Students Who Get Stuck in Power Struggles” blog post helpful. If so, please consider sharing it with your friends and colleagues on social media.

If this post hit home and you want more support, strategies, and real-talk stories from the special ed trenches, make sure you’re on my email list! I send out free resources, tips, and the occasional giggle every week. You’ve got this, and I’ve got your back.